NaNoWriMo 2010

I am a dog.

Give me a second while I take care of this itch behind my ears (scratch, scratch, scratch, SCRATCH).

There’s that’s better.

I mean it (that first sentence). This is not a euphemism, not a claim of sexual prowess (more on that later, I DO have those claims), not some Disney-fied suagr coated pap story strategically designed to make you say, “Awwwww” and purchase the accessories at toy stores nation wide.

I am a real, bonified (bone loving too), four legged, flea loved, shaggy furred dog. I am familiar with just about every previous piece of fiction and film that purports to be written from a canine point of view, and can deconstruct the fallacies of each one, pulling back the curtain to reveal the human behind the curtain.

What I am writing here is specifically for human readers, as everything I have to say is common dog knowledge, and is done so solely in the vein of trying to give some dog sense to a world in which my fellow canines see more and more senseless and progressing to more dangerous human behaviors. We believe that there are No Bad Humans and that They Can Be Trained. I am communicating here not to give a lecture, or a lesson, or a parable, but merely to provide some insights that we (my fellow canines) believe can make this a better and more fun world for all.

But let’s get the objections out of the way.

You, the skeptical and I Learned Science in High School Human is going to dismiss me outright (actually you didn’t, what passes for learning about the real world, about math, science in your public education system is more than pathetic, it is contributing to the Crisis Train you are revving up). No, of course, I cannot generate these words on one of those keyboard manipulated computer things (though chewing on a mouse cable heck even a power cord is a lot of fun). And no, I do not speak or even use the communication patterns of your world.

To explain how I am writing this would require many leaps of understanding, and like the sounds we hear and the odors we can smell that are beyond your spectrum of sense detection (have you ever seen the colors that are below the wavelength of ultraviolet radiation? Oh the paintings certain insects could make for you!). Let’s just say that, through the cooperation of one particular insightful Human, we have achieved a means of translation, if you will, that more or less create what you might call real time dictation. You have invented technologies of Text to Speech; consider the means here as Arf to Text… actually not, but more on that in the net chapters asI share more about what dogs are “saying” in our world.

Hmmm.

I detect more dis-belief. Can you not suspend it for a while, say maybe 50,000 words worth (and words being your measure of communication are a challenge for me to estimate, as is for many Humans to decipher Sanskrit)? Just put it aside, the How if what I am trying to do, and follow the What I am trying to “say”. For if there is one thing that gives the Canine world some hope, it is the Human connectivity and propensity for telling stories. It is something you’ve done for as long as we’ve been aware, and operates on a plane of awareness that supersedes any other way you all can connect to each other (lacking the sniff and hear methods we have).

Humans have lost most of their ability to Trust. With all the prowess of invention and machine and critical inquiry, the base values of Honor, Loyalty, and Trust are just about gone, and hence your need for things like Doomsday clocks.

And to reveal a bit more, yes, we comprehend much of what we can see in your world- the media you absorb on televisions, books, radios, computers, newspapers. We absorb it, but just because we do not react to it or respond to it, does not mean we are stupid or ignorant of the Human world. When I lay on the floor staring blankly at your 54 inche plasma screen, it’s not that I don’t comprehend the content; frankly it is so low on the level of sophistication, we just do not have t devote it that much more attention.

Not when it can be more rewarding to take a nap or chase a rubber squeak toy.

it has taken a lot of discussion among the Canine Councils to even open up this channel of communication. It is not lightly we are breaking our milleniums long vow to not cross this line, to get to the point of me now broaching the boundary. We have a message, and starting today, a medium (thank you Marshall McLuha, one of few humans who came close to our level of understanding) .

Just check your Human Superiority Complex at the door and listen to the things I have been designated to share. The Dog World is not perfect and we have our own quagmires, but we do have some things you really need to know as you begin to wreck an Earth that had purpose long before you decided to stand up and muck around with it.

One more thing before I give you some sense of where we are going.

It’s about Cats.

Do not trust them. We know they are very jealous of our emotional intelligence and close human bonds, and we would not be surprised if they attempt to mount a similar effort as ours. I could detail the technical reasons they are behind us, but it is hardly worth outlining when it is patently obvious. In short, Cats are liars. They will cheat and lie to get their way, and you best not trust them for one second. It’s all in the eyes- when you look in the eye of a Dog you see Loyalty and Love. When you gaze into the squint of Cat’s eye, you see deception and self aggrandizing prowess. Never turn your back on a Cat.

So in this book I will provide a great deal of insight into the Dog World and do away with your mis-placed perceptions. You can toss every Dog Psychology book o your shelf as they are all wrong. A few, like Desmond Morris’ classic, Dogwatching, came close, but these books (and affiliated videos and  cheesy hotel seminars) promote more mis-information about Canis lupus familiaris than any other source, including bathroom gossip.

Alas, here I have been prefacing and pontificating and Cat Bashing, and yet have done a proper introduction. Please excuse me, as it is a convention we have no need for in the Dog World. For we can tell everything there is about a fellow Canine, their history, personality, their essences of being– truly in one good sniff. I know you will take that as a fictional joke, but you cannot even begin to appreciate what it means to have a sensor that is literally one to one hundred MILLION times as sensitive as that crude smell device humans have between and below their eyes. Could you appreciate if you could say, read one hundred million times faster? or think one hundred million times more efficiently? And we can toss around things like “one hundred million” and know we are talking about ten tot he sixth power, but can you even grapple what that means? Humans do not even have an appreciation for their say 20,000 years of history, much less stretching to back 100 millions just to get to some of the more recent periods of Earth History.

There is not going to be an easy way for me to illustrate how powerful our sense of smell is and what it offers, but I will do my best. It’s like trying to explain jazz to a muskrat.

But here I go getting myself distracted, and I am now 1330 words into this and have not given any clues to your author.

Well, I did let you know that I was a Dog. I started with the most honest opening statement I could muster.

We of the Dog World do not have the exact equivalent of what Humans call “names” We all of course are unique individuals, and we have our own version of fingerprints in a unique odor signature to each one of us, so you can tell who us nearby or close without having to check their license or glance at  a name tag. We know each other without having a system for it, but we lack the convention of giving each other names, since our smell is our name.

But my Human companions have labeled me the name “Raz”, which I believe is a shortening of my original given name “Rasmussen” which is some old family name for them. So that is as good handle as you might need given your lack of ability to detect what we can on the wavelength of odors.

Will that work for you if I give that as my author name? Your system suffers from inefficiency because your names ar enot unique, their is redundancy and ambiguity and those you end up having to develop a secondary system of ID cards and numbers. We, on the other hand, are born with a smell signature that always can be detected. We do not have Dogs using false identification or posing as what they are not (well unless maybe we start blogging ir hanging out in human chat rooms, which are things we do not do). We are what we smell. It is that simple.

And that is the challenge we face in working with Humans, is in how advanced they see their society and culture, they can be very backward and sloppy and inefficient. It’s a wonder you can make it through the day,

Well, this has been a lot of work for this first day. I have been granted by the Great Dog Council but 30 days to get this communication prepared for you. We believe strongly in setting limits and sticking to them, and then moving on to other things. We do not let things drag out infinitely. We may or may not achieve what we set out to do, but when done, we are done.

Now, I really do need to take a nap. Humans do not take nearly enough useful naps. That explains a lot. More on that later when I am rested.

Yawn. Stretch. Yawn.

Hmmm, how much time has passed since I left off here? Actually, that is a dog rhetorical question because we do not measure time in the fixed beats of time Humans do. We don’t even undertand clocks or the need for artificial divisions of the day. The dog time clock is ruled by the cycle of light and dark, where at the lighting end of the day, it signals that magical time of awakening… and food! Oh, can anything not be more grand then food signaled by the morning sun?

At the other end of the solar cycle, our senses trigger again maybe that second meal (if your Humans are trained well to feed you twice a day), or at least the Evening Walk- a last chance to get some messages and leave some more, and most of all to be outside.

Frankly, we Dogs struggle immensely within the cages of what you think are comfortable houses. The lack of fresh air, with all the scents it carries, the muffling of the full range of sounds we count on for being aware of the world— well it is like living under a pillow for us. We Dogs crave our sensory overload- on the hearing and smelling end we have such super human capabilities it can generate all kinds of Canine psychosis and neurosis if we are not getting enough input to our sensors.

Even the prim and proper tiny toy dogs crave their outdoor opportunities. I really doubt humans can understand it, but it is akin to the loss of sight for us not to be able to be outside and drink in the smells of the world.

As some wise human sang, Let the Dogs Out!

My translator keeps dropping hints I need to tell you more about myself. Again, this is a concept Dogs find foreign. The last thing we focus on is ourselves, our heritage is rooted in the pack behavior, we follow our Alpha, we respect our Beta, and we always always focus and act on what is best for the unit, never on our individual self. it’s too bad, and a real Human downfall that such mindsets are labeled as wrong or in a negative manner. I guess we are natural Socialists. But I have always been of the mindset that stripped of their Human Made surroundings, they too would survive in the natural world only by resorting to communal or pack behavior.

There I go again, on a long tangent of a thought stream. You know those times you see a dog staring off into space, or laying there with their eye lids hanging lazily down? We are not always sleeping-  we drift into deep contemplative thought, and also formulate the messages we know we need to broadcast when we get the chance to be outside.  We often not sleeping, we are dreaming.

So let’s talk about breeds, another human construct. Of course we recognize we are radically different as dogs range in size, stature, color, fur style, body shape… but we are All Dogs. Yes, Humans did some coercion and specific actions to generate certain attributes, but we too have always been capable in our history of growing the species (witness wolves versus coyotes versus dingoes versus foxes, etc- are Humans going to take credit for that too?).

But us dogs do not ascribe to the breed labels Humans are so focused on. We are what we are. We identify more by our lineage of parents, our attributes. We don’t call ourselves retrievers or poodles or beagles oIrish Wolf Hound- those again are Human artifacts. We are all Dogs. Period.

In your lingo, however, I would be called (shuddering) a “mutt”. The Human obsession over pure breeds smacks of eugenics and we see it as a majhor challenge to our kind. A Dog of mixed lineage is carries more stature in Dogdom than one of singular parentage; it naturally improves our race to mingle the gene pool. And oh are we encouraged to do all we can to do that. You would call us obsessed with sex, but can you name one other act that is both vital to the species and fun? Humans are just so hung up on their hang ups.

I am mid-sized, with mostly shaggy black haired, but peppered with some white, and a proud white patch on my chest.  I have some dashes of brown above my eyes, long lashes, and a long fluffy tail. In your terminology I would be a Golden Mountain Dog, my father mostly Bernese Mountain dog, and my mother, rest her soul, a soft lovely Golden Retriever. How they met is another story, and theirs to tell or pass on to Rainbow Bridge with.

Oh, I am guy. A male. I lift my leg proudly to pee. It’s not showing off– but I’ll explain more about that later.

I can only guess how many Earth trips around the sun I have been here– please do not tell me you are surprised that Dogs know something of planetary physics  we study the skies at night, and easily formulated the proper orientation of the solar system centuries before Copernicus figured it out. You have heard of the Dog Star, right?

By Human scales, I’d be 5 years old, in my prime. We are just five, none of this silly Lorne Green “that’s  38 for you and me”. You are what  you are.

Where do I live? We know of your maps, but give them little credence, as we can always find our way through natural navigation. My Human Pair, their own two Human puppies, and I live in a large structure with not many others around. I get to spend most of my day outside, and they do not even care if I wander for a night or two. There are trees near the house, but beyond are wide open rolling hills, a few fences, and a sky they seems to go forever. While I could go anywhere and travel, we Dogs have a sense of duty and care that we render to our Humans. They would be in trouble without us, and it is Dog’s duty to serve, as well as play, and do what we can to guide them.

That’s enough about me. Again, it is so against Dog nature to place the Self first. It violates our basic operating system. But I know my audience is not Canine, so I need to keep their perceptions in mind.

Again, I am in Day 1 of the 30 I am allotted with communicate; and there is a lot of informational ground to cover. I have a series of topics I have stored in my mind, and will be illustrating their principles via Stories. Our stories are not written, and of course they are not oral either, but we do pass them on. That is what I have been charged with, and to a degree no Dog has told before.

Wow, where did the day go?

The sun was out today, and there were butterflies and squirrels to chase, plus a romp with my alpha  Human down to the stream that runs through our land. For him, it was spending 2 hours holding a stick and a string with a sharp hook tossed at fish who had better things to do. For me, it was rolling in mud, finding optimal sticks, and barking at deer.

So it’s late now, and my translator is weary, and may get my thoughts wrong.

The stories need to start at  the beginning, birth, and the world of puppies. We come out that way, cute, for a reason. Check out the concepts of neoteny, the maximum in passive, sneaky, survival strategies.

Cute as a puppy.

Awwww.

We, and not just dogs, heck I have seen a few cute kittens, all of us start in a form that makes the elders among us want to cuddle and protect us. It’s perfect.

At the same time, our subtle differences at our start is the key factor that exponentially favors one among the rest of the litter. it’s all about milk in those first days. Mom has a supply, and tis up to pups to drink and sleep. Think of the pressure on Tia, the mastiff who holds the record for birthing the largest litter, 24 pups! Did she even have enough nipples?

Cats have a different system – each kitten ends up reserving their weaning spot, like they actually assign nipples. We think its more of a reason they come born with claws, and can show their ownership. For dogs, it’s a free for all.

Another story I heard through the Dog Vine was a chihuahua that was still weaning when its mom was run over by a car, and he was taken in to an animal shelter. A rather creative woman worker there, knowing the importance at this stage for the puppy to get mothers milk, got the idea to try seeing if the dog would nurse off of a Mother Cat who had just given birth.

Now this violates all kinds of lines Canines and Felines shudder at crossing, but to the cat, with a bunch of kittens sucking away, one more pair of lips did not matter. I cannot imagine the kidding this dog got later from his pals, but he lived to talk (and brag about it - those Chihuahuas have the oddest sense of pride, just ask Gidget, famous for being the face of Yo Querio Taco Bell.

Don’t even get me started about silly celebrity dogs. That is so against the Way of the Pack. See how Human culture can corrupt us Dogs?

I digress.

Again.

Human babies too of course feed from their mothers, but they have it easy – they get an entire supply one at a time. I bet you Humans cannot recall this stage, but no Dog ever forgets that sweet flavor of mother’s milk; we spend our lives trying to find it elsewhere (hint to Rocky the German Shepherd  try as you may, you won’t find it buried in slippers and leather shoes. But go ahead and keep trying).

I even heard a story of one pup, I beat he or she was a terrier, who got really really in need of the Sweet Stuff. Mom Dog was not available, but it was a hot steamy day in this Georgia house, and the Human male had taken his shirt off and was watching TV with the Human Female (who, being the more intelligent of the species, was more discrete).

Well this terrier got so crazed for mothers milk, that it leapt up on the human and tried sucking the available nipples. Needless to say, no milk was found, but I bet the Man found a reason to wear a shirt again.

In the wild, and in our wolf heritage, and even now domesticated, this cannot go on forever, and Mom Dog eventually makes it harder for pups to get that sweet milk. A wolf mother will start this be going off and hunting, and may feed their young via regurgitation, but in Human house there is little need as the great infinite supply of milk in the fridge and protein food from large bags and cans fill the gap quickly. We may lust for mother’s milk may fade a bit, but the stuff in plastic jugs is just not the same.

We can go over board. I knew a chocolate lab who, while his Humans were out, managed to break into the closet, and went on a rampage consuming 80 pounds of dried food. As horrible as the stomach pumping was for him, I bet he would do it a week later if he got the chance.

Dogs can get obsessed with food. And please, we are not vegetarians. Don’t foist your Human Food Religion on us; we need meat, we need a lot of it.

At about six weeks we are already establishing some social order in our litter, and I still recall the sudden realization that I was in an alpha role among my siblings. This is not a power trip, or an ego thing, though in your words it sounds that way. In fact, it becomes a heavy responsibility, and a necessary stage in the wild. By twelve weeks, we are mostly developed in terms of growing more independent of Mom Dog, and out in thee wild we’d need to start learning to hunt. In a human home, we might be at te stage of figuring out what gets us the most attention, because that si reward, and reward is food. It is that simple.

We will do anything. Chase balls. Tip over the trash. Roll over. Shake hands. Dig up flowers. Chew your shoes. Pee on the carpet.

There are a million ways of getting you to look up from your iPhones and books and TVs. it’s a constant challenge for us, and we network our ideas. I knew a Husky that ate the sides out of his owners snake skin boots.

I’m sorry, it’s not really about love with you Humans. We may have some appreciation, but truly, it is about food. Well, and we do reciprocate with loyalty, but mushy love? Nahhhhhh.

There are Humans who are saddened to see the cute puppy days pass, but for us it cannot happen quick enough. We a programmed to become fully realized species as soon as we can; the cute stage is merely to keep us from being plucked away by large birds of prey! What is really most tragic among the Dog Population is the abandonment of our brethren just because they are no longer cute toys. I have consoled so many confused rejected dogs (I am thinking of you, Buster) who, having grown out of the puppy cute phase, ened up in shelters, with much too many fellow travelers.

A Dog would never abandon anyone in their pack; and in our time of domestication, truly consider Humans within the Pack we call family. It is baffling that Humans do not, for the most part, reciprocate this basic rule. heck, they abandon each other at the drop of a hat.

The dog’s loyalty to its pack is cemented in time forever, nothing can break it. Nothing.

His name was an ironic misnomer, because the mighty Duke, was far from Marmaduke stature. A mix of sheltie and beagle, he had all the ingredients to be a beauty with the Beagle brown and black patches over long Sheltie white hair. His eyes were framed by brown goggles, and was an easy pick from the litter.

It sounded cute to give a little bog a big dog’s name. Duke himself could care less, since we only use Human given names as a symbolic link for our true identifications, which again are in a mode of communication beyond human senses. I cannot even give you a translation; it does not translate.

Duke was the family’s first dog; the Male Human had last had a dog when he was a Human Puppy, which might have been a 45 year span of not living with a dog. But that should not be an impediment, and the family got books and videos to learn some things about dog care. But most of these really do not emphasize nearly enough the nature of the Pack, and how the Humans and Dogs become a new Pack, and roles are established. Someone is an Alpha, and certainly a new puppy is not going to know that role.

Coming into the new Human Den, they did the suggested things to acclimate Duke; though they skipped the crate training concept-Humans seem to misplace the connotation of bars and locks to their own jails, and miss the key natural association for Dogs to feel safe in their own cave.

Instead they set Duke up in a cardboard box with newspaper in the bottom, not all that bad approach. They inserted an old-fashioned ticking clock (you cannot even find them these days, this was at least a generation before the internet era) based on the idea it would remind a puppy of its mother.

That concept really astound us as none of our mothers tick. Duke did not really know what to make of the ticking, it was just constant and may have lulled him to sleep.

The Human kids were in awe. Duke was small, cuddly, and unlike any stuffed toy they had in their rooms. They wanted to hold him, kiss him, put him close to their faces. Duke was extremely confused by this behavior but was lost in a fog of trying to make sense. The Humans did well with feeding and walking.

But there was no clear Alpha in tis pack. The HUman Man would walk Duke in the morning and the night, but let Duke pull the lead. He was gone all day and did not interact with Duke at night. The Human Mother provided the food, but she too left the house during the day, and generally seemed wary of Duke. The small Humans wavered in their interest, but Duke was a toy to either over shower with attention or ignore.

As a puppy roaming the new Den and surroundings, Duke of course was curious. Humans get so upset when a dog picks up an object and chews on it. But for Duke, he was learning, and each object was something to explore, and his old natural instinct to learn to hunt, a shoe left in the middle of a room was like small prey. Dogs are geared to learn to hunt.

And teething, of teething! Human Puppies go through this too, and they cry for help, For a dog, the throbbing pain is horrific, and finding something to sink those bulging teeth into really helps. Sure Duke had toys, but he know them. This house was full of found things. Hey, on the ground, it was free game!

The youngest Human, a Boy, had not read any of the training books and had no information. His favorite thing was encouraging Duke to bark at anything that past the front door. In this house, upon entering, there were stairs that went up and down– and Duke’s perch was at the top of the stairs, so looking out the door he could see humans at eye level (or higher for the Boy). And that boy would stomp down the stairs loudly yelling, “get ‘em, Duke! get ‘em!’ and poor Duke, got so excited by this game that it because the normal thing to do when anyone approached the door or walked pass the house.

Especially if it was Richard.

Richard the Eggman.

I’ve read a lot of books, and have never came across a Human with this title, but that is what the Human Mother called this man who came to the house every Thursday. Richard drove a bright blue truck. He was tall, gangly, and had a booming voice, and he would rap sharply on the screen door, and yell out “RICHARD! RICHARD’S HERE!”

Needless to say, Duke saved his biggest barking and animation show for the day of Richard’s arrival.

As best as I can understand it, Richard’s job was purchasing fresh vegetables and meats from local providers, and selling/delivering it to these suburban houses.

And he would drive Duke crazy.

It got to a point that the Boy would just sneak up on Duke, who was likely taking a nap, dreaming of a peaceful, quiet cabin in te mountains, and the Boy would yell as best he could imitate… “RICHARD!”

Poor Duke, I am sure it drove his blood pressure sky high.

The Humans got frustrated with Duke’s habits. When they tried pulling a prize (like the Man’s wallet) from his mouth, he thought it was a game. Pull harder! Do not let go! Some of them yelled. They showed their Teeth (not a good idea). They whacked Duke on the side, not hard, but it was a strange message.

Dogs naturally know the snarl instinct. It’s a first cut attempt to intimidate a threat. Roll up the lips, and show the fangs. The message is “I have sharp teeth, and put to use can hurt you.” It is a threat of an action. So having seen a lot of Human Teeth shown, Duke began using it more and more. Sometimes it worked, they would back off, but the Humans, especially the small ones, grew less interested in playing.

Since it drew negative reactions, but the impulse was still there to play hunt, find, take, Duke continued. There was a trash can in the bathroom full of tissues and dropped objects, and right in Duke’s short reach. He found his own cave to take his prizes, the thin space behind the couch in the basement where the humans could not enter without actually moving the cave. Duke could run in there, and if followed would snarl back.

Duke never bit, but he felt more and more isolated. Play seemed less fun, and mostly he spent more time sleeping.

He was not a bad dog and his Humans were not bad people; they just did not fully understand each other. Duke became more of a loaner, and as a dog that was either in the Human house or their small fenced in back yard, never socialized with his peers. He actually lived a long time, maybe 15 years; none of us understand what kept him going. His story is not uncommon.

Just like the formative years for Humans, the dog’s puppy years are the one that shape him or her for the rest of their life. Dog’s need to be treated like Dogs and allowed to stretch some of their natural instincts. At the same time, someone needs to assert the Alpha role.

Duke started out confused looking for leaders, lacked models, and floundered in his Dogvelopment. We cannot sit here and cast blame, but look to is story to do better.

Let’s clear up some more major misconceptions that Humans have about the Dog Kingdom. This will be a shock as it seems to be accepted as universal truth.

But there is nothing but human imagination that backs this up.

Surely ever Human knows that a dog wags it’s tail because it is happy, right? Has anyone actually asked a dog? How do you know that Rover is happy?

I am sorry to bring down this house of illusion but it just is not so. If you, Human Reader, had a long fluffy tail, would you wag it when you are happy? When you are overjoyed, do you thrash your butt around side to side?

What you are seeing in a dog’s tail movement is not an expression of an emotion, but a conflation of many emotions. A dog is literally in a flux between excitement and fear, or curiosity and concern. When there is an unknown sound at the door, we get our wary muscles on alert and hen as the door is opened, our aggression impulse revved but in check, and then wee see (actually mire likely smell) a familiar Human, our entire bodies are caught between these feeling. We literally are shaking side to side.

It’s too bad because it sounds so fanciful, so simple, but is just not right. Did you ever wonder that puppies do not develop a wagging action until several weeks old? Is it because they are not happy before that?

Why don’t cats wag their tails? One might guess it is because they are never happy (in my experience they are ALWAYS pissed off or pompous), but if you take the wagging equals happiness belief, you have to look at all the animals that do not wag.

So how do dogs show happiness? Another one I have hear is a claim that dogs smile, which is even more preposterous. It means something entirely different when we show our teeth, and believe me, it is not to proclaim joy. What we do to express happiness is not so different from Humans- we nuzzle, we lean against you (closest we can do to a hug), we kiss/lick.

But do not assume that all ass shaking wagging is a happy signal.

A tail is an interesting appendage and maybe beyond pointers and to some degree acting as a stabilizer while sitting on moving surfaces (e.g boats) the dog tail is mostly decorative. But what dog would want to be without one?

You may know the often told story of Dominoe, the Dalmatian. She came with a proper, long stiff tail, but was happy quite a long time without one. Her Human had a travel trip, and while Dominoe joined him if it was one where the traveled in his truck (the best trip ever was 2 months up and down the west coast, and chasing a ground squirrel down into crater Lake) this was one where we went by plane.

So Dominoe was left with a friend who had a fenced in yard, typically an ideal place for a dog to be able to spend a lot of time outside. Now Dominoe had been a found doff, and while she could never tell her Human what her prior life was like, us in the Dog world know because she us legendary. Her first owner was a mean horrible angry man who beat her with his leather belt, and drove a loud motorcycle.

So it was not surprising that Dominoe would cower at any who resembled this Bad Man and just the sound of a motorcycle could set her off into one of those multiple-emotional surges that included wagging and barking.

And it similar shaped and smelling man that slowly rolled past the yard Dominoe was in, and pulled into the driveway of the neighbor next door.

Dominoe was thrashing with fear and concern, and backing ion the corner of the yard was wagging so ferociously she was whacking her white tail against the old metal fence. Her tail hit it so hard the tip turned red with blood. When the Lady who was watching came outside at the sound of the commotion, she was shocked to see Dominoes tell wagging clots of blood. The Lady tried to bandage and wrap it, but the blood was not stopping and Dominoe kept chewing (or wagging) off the bandage.

It took the Lady two days to contact Dominoe’s Human (this was long before the time of mobile phones) and had to tell him what happened. The Dog Doctor who examined Dominie’s tail recommended severing or docking the tail as it might not stop bleeding given the anxiety and energy of that dog.

So Dominoe ended up with a 3 inch stub of a tail, which in no way ever stopped it from going into motion. She was known to say she had a phantom limb tail, and was always apologizing for knocking it into things and other dogs. Her dog friends would just let her believe that.

On another front, many Humans seem amused, or concerned about one of the greatest games a dog can play- Chase the Tail. I think humans are jealous, because “Chase the Ass” is not only not fun, it can never be achieved. But a dog’s long tail, is certainly catchable! And why not?

For the most part, we play that game because we are insanely bored. Left alone, without any stimuli, sufficient toys or purpose, and devoid of attention, well dogs have to get creative with their own self-amusement. We do well when we have something to do!

So let’s be a little more skeptical if that assumption. I’ve been happy and wagging and also happy and not wagging. There is no connection between the two. Stop spreading the falsehood.

You really do not want to know the inside stories of animal shelters. There is no way a Human can understand the pure fear zone of that experience. It oozes from every corner, wall, drinking dish. Calling it jail is not comparable because the only commonality is the bars and cages, and maybe that no one believes they belong there.

But Dogs are truly innocent of anything that has them end up in an Animal Shelter. There are too many stories to tell of Dogs left behind, Dogs left in a box on a doorstep, Dogs driven out tot he desert, Dogs being driven to the opposite side of town, Dogs being left in a home that the Humans depart forever in the middle of the night.

It’s a mixed blessing, if there is such a thing, because without the shelters, where at least there is good, water, a roof, and that ever-living hope of finding a loving Human family. The mixed part is that left on their own in the Human world, Dogs stand little chance. Their dog pack mentality and instincts are somewhat dulled by years of comfort with a Human Pack, and having been fed from bags and cans of lush food, most of us lack the knowhow to hunt for food. We hate to admit it, but those darned cats can do better out there in the wilds.

The first thing to deal with is the shock. We are not used to being so limited in our space, and here we are in tight quarters in a place that smells of fear from top to bottom. We are so stressed we cannot communicate well with each other, our normal channels of this obliterated by the other sensory insanity overload we are immersed in. And then there is the unknown, we don;t know where we are, why we are here, and we vary up and down from optimism to despair that its hard to even know who we are.

But then we notice that on certain days, more Humans are walking through our caged place, sometimes we get to go out and sniff them or play with them in a small pen. Then we notice that Louisa, the shaggy white poodle, os leaving with a Human pair. Then Harley, the greyhound mix, strolls out nervously the next day, looking over his shoulder like not sure whether to believe he is leaving.

And then we start to get a sense, that if we find the right act to put on the right Humans, we can escape, or at least leave this place and go to a new home with them. You do not even try to worry about if they are nice, or will give you proper attention (or food), we do not even know where to put any expectation so we avoid having  expectations at all– you have to get solely focused on doing whatever it takes to Get Picked.

For those lacking natural cuteness, we need to have a shtick (I learned that word from a dachshund that lived with a rabbi).

We practice the sad dog, head cocked to the side look. We learn to raise an eyebrow, or to flop an ear up. Some will learn tricks, like doing flips and wild circles. Some just lie there sleeping, the peaceful soul look. Some just bark, which frankly seems stupid, but I have seen it work more times that you might guess. Others aim for the serene mature look, like, “Take me, I will be a quiet companion who sleeps at the foot of your bed, and always pees outside” even if they fully intend to take up slobbery sleeping on the couch and painting the kitchen with urine. It’s the most important performance any Dog will make.

So that’s the first part, to grab their attention. You have to get noticed, because there are about 100 or 200 other dogs trying to get noticed.

I knew one fella, a chow-lab mix, who swore by a method he heard from a cell mate- look as much as possible like a full breed Labrador. That is the most popular breed, and as much as you can look like the dog who will grow up with the Big Square Head, chase frisbees and return tennis balls, fetch sticks from a river, you will up your Get Noticed score. Dogs share all kinds of secrets and tips about how to seem more “Lab like”- heck I’ve known labs themselves, pure ones, that try things to even come off as more Labrador like.

This one fella, Skamper, got scooped up by a lady looking for a birthday present for her husband, who had mentioned one time years ago how much he liked Labradors. Poor Skamper, with his black mottled tongue, and ears that would hardly grow, and lucky if he grew to 30 pounds, pulled off one of the most Dogademy Award Winning performances he was out of that Shelter within 3 days of arriving. He had the Lab thing down pat.

Getting noticed is only the entre. You have to be quick and make some guesswork on how to interact with prospective New Human Companions.  Some dogs act mature, and sit politely. Others do the play thing, lots of play bows, or friendly licking. Others just try to be gently affectionate, the thing where you walk between their legs pressing against them, or laying your head in their lap, and put up with all kinds of awkward head, ear, and back scratching. A boxer mix sore that exposing your belly, letting your feet dangle in the air was the winning move.

Sometimes, you have to guess the Human chemistry. Aim to please or give affection to Small Humans if they are brought to the shelter. See if you can asses if it is the Man who wants the dog or the Woman more. Human Men want dogs to play and rough house with (that is a generalization, so do not go 100% on that), Women need to feel protected or safe around you, even more so if they have their own offspring. Old Human just want quiet companions.  Some Humans want you to do all kinds of excursions, running and mountain climbing, while others just want lots of company as they lay on their couch inhaling bags of potato chips in front of the tube.

Dogs will go to no end to win this game. They watch others at work, they adjust their game, they try something new. But it’s not competitive we feel no jealousy of we see Hero the Mastiff waltz out, and we cheer when Stacy the beagle waddles out the door. It’s a victory for all when one of us breaks out of the Big House.

Harumph! My Human translator disappeared for the weekend, and now I have 2 full days of stories and ideas to try to funnel through him so you can read this.

It is time to show a bit more about how Dogs communicate. Humans start trying to understand this from the wrong place– how they communicate. The Human form centralizes around the written and spoken word, a concept we Dogs understand, but are not capable of doing.

We do make noise with our mouths, the bark, but it is not how we “say” our ideas.

The bark means one thing — it is a warning, it is to get the attention of our pack, to alert them (again, when I say that, I include the Humans we take into our Pack by living with them). Think of it is a siren. In the human world, there are varieties of sirens on police cars fire trucks, ambulances, civil defense horns– but they do not communicate anything beyond getting our attention, and drawing us out of whatever thing we are doing and focused on.

It has been perpetuated in your pop culture by ideas such as the “Twilight Bark” suggested in 1010 Dalmatians that dogs would perch on hills outside at dusk and pass on messages by barking it to each other, like gossiping. It was how supposedly Pongo and Perdita used it to spread the news of their pups being snatched by Cruella Deville.

Oh how we Dogs laugh at that idea! It would be like trying to pass a message via

Warning! Danger! Hey! Danger! Warning! Wake up! Hurry! Danger! Warning! Alert, alert alert

Its like suggesting Humans spreading a message of warning by going out to their cars at dusk and pressing their horns. There is just no channel in the bark to carry any content besides the warning tone.

Believe me, we Dogs do not get much out of hearing a distance bark besides knowing that Casey down the street is worried about something and sounding an alarm. It says nothing about the nature of what a Dog is alarmed about. It could eb a warning of danger but can also be just that something unknown is going on like a dog that barks when its Human return to the home– the Dog knows its them in advance of seeing them (via our more acute senses of hearing and smell)

A bark is also not about expressing aggression; there is no correlation or connection. As the great Human voice of Dogdom, Desmond Morris, wrote- when a dog aggressively attacks, as police dogs do, it is completely silent. As we do when the opposite happens, when we run in fear. It is quiet– what Morris writes is true:

Vocalizations are essentially indcations of conflict or frustration.

On a related note is the howl. Not the how, the howl. Done much less by us civilized, domesticated dogs, the howl in the wild among wolves and coyotes is another key pack behavior, and like the bark, has pretty much a single message- “Hey everyone, come together”- it might mean come together to hunt, or to move to a new place, but it is a call and response to assemble.

Given the lack of need for this in our human packs, the need for dogs to howl has become almost nil. Quite a lot it is the same purpose among dogs that are extremely lonely (it happens all too much). It is a truly desperate plea reaching back to its roots among the wild, a “is there anyone one there?” cry for company. Dogs are social – even when we are sleeping we are dreaming not of being alone on a beach, but doing things with others.

Perhaps notably among exceptions are the dogs Humans have bred for hunting, cultivating te howling as a valuable tool for dogs that use to signify prey or when the target has been downed. Beagles have this how raised to a fine art, such a loud, booming, reverberating sound can come from such a small dog. Many young beagles seem to how out of the blue, not doing it often, but at some  point when they are figuring out the world, the urge to call for others comes to them.

But still the how remains a basic message – “Yo, where are you guys? Come over here!”

So if we do not communicate via the bark how to Dogs message each other? We do not use cell phones!

I will try to explain this, but it is a challenge given the disparity in the capability of Dog senses in a spectrum that Humans cannot discern what we do.

Yes, let’s talk next about smell.It does not stink at all.

cc licensed flickr photo shared by RaGardner4

I’m tossing in the NaNoWriMo rag.

This was a bit of a way too ambitious grand plan, and frankly, my Human Translator is really letting me down. Each night I want to add more, he’s too busy tweeting or playing Words with Friends or tweaking WordPress code. And frankly, I am having doubts that he is getting my story correct.

I doubt anyone will even notice, and I will just have to deal with the snickering of those obnoxious taunting cats. It’s a dog way to shrug and roll over. Nothing wrong with that, and besides, you get an extra back scratch out of the deal.

But I will leave you with one message- treat your dogs with human love and kindness and respect their ways; We will always do more in return.